Dear Sam Milby, you jerk.

So as to clear my name: I DON'T LIKE YOU, SAM MILBY.

This is not a matter of 'the-more-you-hate-the-more-you-love' kinda thing. It's just pure rage and I can tell, being the only honest guy around in this blog.

So what gives about that stupid publicity stunt you did way back Pinoy Big Brother? Coming in the house to woo people to like you then leave because of a job well done?! Getting your guitar and singing a fake love-song to a lady, you blasted hypocrite! This was a publicity stunt whoever concocted for you clearly didn't know the meaning of 'discreet'. Not that I have any doubts you don't know the hell about the meaning of that word, you might have confused it with your sexuality for all I effing care.

And since I am at it, I would like to shoot the person who said that you can sing. I hated all your revival songs. I hope these songs could stab you too! It was torture I tell you when I hear your dumb-founded revival song inside a passenger FX.

I have to hand it to you, though. You don't know how to act and you don't know how to sing. You aren't even very good looking to pass that sort of gig. But there you are, in billboards, in commercials, smiling your fake, idiotic smile. Congratulations, buddy. I'd like to apologize for people for misjudging you as this great personality.

And don't give me that eye, Tim Yap. You're so next!

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What To Say To A Straight Friend

My friend has been out of the circle for 4 years. Now that he is back, there are a lot of things that we should cover for and part of it is my sexuality.

It was one fateful night in an event center in my province, when my then partner "out-ed" me to all my friends who were merrily singing at that time, this straight guy included. It was almost torture at first and I have no recollection whatsoever how I got out of it alive, but then again, I was thankful to my friend, who though his, I don't know, insanity(?), brought all my best buds together. We became "really" best friends.

But this straight friend had a little different situation then. You see, when my ex was about to declare with all courage that I was his boyfriend, that damn bloke went to the restroom and missed all of it! It was only when we were chatting over Facebook that he found out that I was gay and what exactly happened in that place. It was hilarious! It was either my friend clearly was still oriented to the fact that I like girls or he's just stupid.

It was not really as dramatic as I was expecting. Well, because I was expecting that he knows it. If I have any inkling that he didn't know, would I be courageous enough to tell him about it? Would I be casual about it or should I go for the more formal attack, to tell him personally and not just though any medium.

That 'hard' part is over. Now, what I forgot to tell him is not to tell everyone my sexual orientation. He almost said something to one of my friends who didn't know or he might have but she's just not telling me. I was really getting to the point that my friend is indeed, really, absolutely, definitely stupid for generalizing that all people know about it. It's my fault that this almost happened and I can't get over the fact that I was the stupid guy in the first place for not even thinking that he has this tendency of being an idiot.

Oh yes, Sam Milby, you are NOT an exemption!


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It's the Lover not the Love

I was heart-broken and it was before Christmas time.

...

Okay, the drama king in me just went hay-wire for a minute there. No matter how much I try I still kinda have hopes of being together, but I know it was a little too good to be true. In this event, I know somehow, deep within the head of my penis, there is a small brain that tells me that it just might not work the second time around.

And so, I guess I have to go on and find me another pasture a little greener.

I have narrated in my previous blog that I kinda find someone attractive and that I may find myself lucky enough being with this wonderful person someday. Let me again reiterate that the guy has a girl in his life. It somehow seems so insensitive of me but hey, the "I" in me is showing its face again. I told this to a friend who told me to stop being a fool for once and leave the guy alone.

I just won't. Not that I can't but I certainly won't.

Stupid as it may sound, I know deep within me, I am falling for this guy. And as much as I would like to keep him certain complexities are playing in the field too. Let's forget about the guy and focus on myself. I will be leaving for the states in a couple of days now and we won't be together anymore. Not that we have been together though. It just all seems pointless now that I am getting into another heart-break in the making.

What I was after while reliving my past is that I miss being in love... and the misery it has brought me. It is part of the greater whole that I was looking forward too. It did not make me fear it, it actually made me appreciate how wonderful it feels and all I am banking on it the pleasure that I will receive through loving. And if in case it leads me back to where I was before, then so be it.

Bottom line is, I just miss that feeling that confirmed that I am human.

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Social Networking, Facebook and the Likes

It is by far the most convenient way for us, guys like me, to find another being who are more into us saving us from the disgrace of having people know what we really are. It has been going on since the dawn of chat-rooms where every guy like me rampages. Enough said.

So this thing I always call nonchalantly as "my" social networking site have been a cause of my deep-seeded insight. But the first question now before I spill the beans is how I fair in these sites.

As I have written this, I'm sure I might have posted this blog to one of my social sites and I am pretty sure whoever finds this blog must find me at least somehow, attractive. And given that not-so-obvious fact, they will, most often than not, send me a message either to tell me to post 'real' pictures of me or if I want to have sex with them, or the more wholesome crowd will ask me for a date. Sweet. As a friend of mine said before, all he was after in these sites is to see how well people's pick-up lines have developed. But I was on to something different.

You see, I act really masculine and it kinda wards off guys of actually talking to me in person. In that sense also, they find me stuck-up because I seldom smile. My question in that regards would be 'Why would I have to smile all the time? To risk being seen as mentally challenged?" You decide.

So what happens if I get a message from a prospective member? Simple. There are times that when I like what I see (both in pictures and in words), then I would reply. However, almost at least 80% of all the messages I received, I didn't reply. I know it was kinda stupid for me to do that, but I was just being me and at least I'm doing something not to give out false assurance to people who in the long run I know I wouldn't like. And yes, I know it is egoistic for someone like me to say something like this, but let me tell you too that if in the event I get rejected, it's all good to me.

But what I only see in this site is only superficial and I too am aware that not a lot of people register well in camera. What actually worries me right now is that notion that I might be missing that chance of actually meeting the person I was born to be with because I was just too superficial. Saving myself from ambiguity, I am still hopeful that someday, somehow, I will fall back into loving again. (Oh, now I thought of something straight people may actually relate to.)

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PLAN B

As I remarked a blog ago, I resented the fact that I fell for a straight-bi curious whatever you call it guy because it was darn too, I don't know, impossible.

Well, my ex-partner got into a relationship with somewhat with the same type of guy and they were able to come out of it. Well, the guy was young and have not actually been really sure of himself until he finds my ex. So I guess it was almost the same.

So what's new, you ask? I'm AGAIN in the same situation as I was before. Meeting a new guy who has a girlfriend currently. What's up with this month?! I'm starting to hate how the planets are aligning against my ruling planet. It's just insane. I just wish for this month to be over so I can move elsewhere!

Alright, now that I am at it, I have to think of my own personal game plan about this whole damn thing. I have to be really specific in pointing out clearly the PROs and CONS of this scenario and hopefully come out of it unscratched even though I may lose or win.

I'm betting my heart on it.

THE SCENARIO

I have been stalking a guy on Manjam. He's cute. He's cool. He found me stalking him and eventually tried to stalk me at least for some time until finding out that I was a B. Then all hell broke loose! We started chatting over the phone and we instantly clicked! And now the fun part. Although I haven't met the guy I was kinda feeling attached to him. And from what he is saying (NB: I didn't rationalize it or did I interpreted anything), he likes me too. As I am writing this, we HAVEN'T met. Then one fateful day of paranoia, I asked him if there is anything I need to know and he says that he has a girlfriend. My impulse dictates that I shouldn't get close with the guy because well, it was bound to fail anyway so why invest on the guy I can tell won't prosper to any level.


Given the scenario, I plan of keeping it real with the guy. All I have to do is to be man. Just keep it cool with him and try to avoid unnecessary dramas (Which I almost did, thank god). Apart from that I think I should try and let him set the date of our meeting. Since he was the one making the first move and since he said that he will keep a promise, then it's really up to him. I will leave everything to him but still try to make it a point that I'm always there for him. I need to be this detached bastard again and try to be an almost clingy partner which I am not.. a partner. Hahahah!

Then when I have him in my palms, I will keep him there. :) And I will make every efforts to make him stay there and be mine all together. I'll just keep it really really smooth. He'll never know what will hit him. Play it cool.

I seem to like this guy a lot. It's really too obvious I can tell. Well, looking back, it isn't much of a schematic plan than I hoped for but that will do for now. If in case I find a new way, then let's bring it owwwnn!


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The Same Old Bull.

For the past few months, I have been serious in keeping a relationship. And yes, you are right. With a guy. Over and about it as some Capricorn will put it, I have tried and break all barriers that makes me the serious, un-adventurous, stable bloke that I thought I was. And then finally, someone broke me open. I suddenly became uninhibited and free to express my feeling and be vulnerable about it. Less fortunate however is that the guy suddenly fall out of it because he was living this straight guy image.

That's the thing when you kinda fall for someone who isn't totally with the mess you're in. It's not something that is very reparable so to speak, it's just not worth taking anymore, I think.

Currently, I am resisting the impulse of getting the idea of stop writing but I have to at least vent it out somehow without the hopes of people finding this blog. I have kept it secret and I will keep it secret until such time that I get re-acquianted with myself. And here I go.

With this scenario in mind, especially from where I was coming from, not a lot of people will find it very romantic. How can someone justify the fact that this straight guy suddenly turned gay? He has been tagged by all his friends as being a chick-magnet and here he is being attracted to a gay guy. It really doesn't make sense, for a lot of people.

My take about bisexuality is open. A lot of people retorted that bisexuality is something that transcends to a much more inhibitive states: that bisexuals are people who wants to do it with both sexes but is more inclined with the same sex. I think that it is true but it is still vague. Bisexuality is just that. That person enjoys doing it with both sexes. My problem is, being the attached, all-to-relationship kind of guy, when they are given the option of choosing which one to sustain romantically. This has been a perennial problem for me. I know these bisexuals who have found their way to my heart is somehow being nagged about the stigma the whole world has given to gay relationships. Most of them preferred to have me, mind you. But because of this stupid man world universe we are living, I'm stooped to fighting over a dead battle, eventually finding out that I'm some else's deepest darkest secret. That stupid line keeps on bugging me: "Yeah, I love you, but I love my life more and I am not willing to risk everything I did to build my image when people finds out that I love a guy," schtick.

Not that I'm saying that these guys should open to the entire planet and brag about being the new gay in town. I don't want that to happen and I am not willing to do that either. I just want these guys to know that if they find themselves being in this situation, it's just the same as with any other relationship with the opposite gender. We will need you. We will look for you. We will find ways to be with you. And we will expect the same things from you. This gay relationship is not entirely different from a straight relationship only that the earlier is tabooed and kept secret.

I'm soooo out of here.

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In memoriam!

Within this blogger page lies a meek blog I have written about dating and flirting. Turned out that since I have actually confronted myself about, it seems like everything is a breeze.

I said that I have troubles telling people I like them, because it makes me feel inferior. But since, I have reprogrammed my schema, things turned out really well. I sent a message to someone I find very attractive and he responded well saying that He like me even before but could not approach me fearing that my ex-lover will be angry.

He actually said it! Man, if I have learned this the easy way, things will be differently. I really have to provoke people in telling some stuffs that I want to hear, err, make that things that I need to hear for me to either move on with my life or cling for dear sake.

This reminds me of all the events that took me into acquaintance with myself.

And yes, I still hate you, Sam Milby. No offense.

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Buhatin ko na ang banko.

Just a short note.

While I was waiting for my biological clock to tell me it's sleepy-time, I read some of my blogs here and I find it quite amusing. I never thought that I could just let my mind wander and make sense out of every word that comes out of it.

I never really read my blog to secure authenticity. I just let things flow as naturally as possible. I'm just concerned on how my grammar is and do a really, really quick check. If you find any flaws, please do let me know. Part of my top 5 terrifying things that can happen to me is to blurb out any grammar nuisance. Much obliged if you do.

What I'm so unhappy about is that I may never show my work to any of my friends--well, except for my BFFs. I wish there would be one vehicle for me that I can stay anonymous (playing it safe) while I am free to mesh out the inconsistencies, err, beautiful inconsistencies of my prose. It may have something to do with the anonymity part. The more I stay anonymous, the more free I become. (Take that down, Sam.)

To cut the chase down to the gutter, all I'm saying is that I'm happy I could write effortlessly when all I thought I was just one run-of-the-mill writers who are chained on so many factors. Mine, being open.

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And Now I'm Telling You.

Man, I have never been good with titles.

So what's new with this all-purpose dude? Well, I was about to say something nearly worth your time, but apparently, I forgot what it was about. I was kinda hoping that while typing this blog I could remember it.... Uhhm... Oh yeah!

In the Philippines, everyone is a singer. A singer is someone who sings may it be bad, good or worse. I'm not an exemption of this. When I hit 12, I began singing, but it didn't really work that well at first. Today, I can belt any song requested by my friends in a videoke bar. I have been known, through my friends, to sing out even the most unimaginable songs they could ever think of. But really now, I'm not saying I'm good nor my friends loved it. I'm just saying singing has been part of anybody's life here at least for most.

You know, a lot of the singers, or budding singers who actually sings professionally and is good at it (I mean, really, really good at it!) in my country are gay. I don't know what is it with singing and being utterly gay. You visit any church choirs in the Philippines and from one of those you get at least one to two people who are gay. Leave out the all-female chorale. Almost 30% of any all male church choirs or choral group members in my country are gay. So, what's the connection between singing impressionably and being gay.

To tell you with all sincerity, I have no idea. I was hoping that by making myself ponder about it over and over, I will find a connection between singing and just being gay. I was thinking on some theories that I will share to you. (Oh yeah, most of the gay people I know who sings are tenors.)

Maybe, just maybe, because gays (just as myself) tend to find their all feminine side too well, they tend to associate with females because females can hit the highest ranges in any piano, may it be electronic or baby grand. So, this may be one way for them to express that certain void in their lives that only singing can give.

But I guess the only thing I can mention that may be volition worth is that we just love singing. This may be one way of expressing our hidden feelings. If we try to dance, which I am very afraid of doing, is that it might be too flexible that people will find me gay. Ooh. I'm not ready for that kind of commitment to myself yet.


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Growing pains

My ex-lover saw that ad we did for a very, very huge company. He's line goes like this:
Ex: "Oh, wow, I saw you ad today at the papers."
Me: "Ah, really?"
Ex: "Yeah, but you look very old in the picture. Did they do something to you like photoshopped your picture?"
Me: "I have no idea."
Ex: "I was thinking maybe because you were smoking too much."

I love it when people to come to me saying that I don't look my age, that I look way way older. But that's that. My genes are build to look older than my age and there is nothing I can do about it but to accept the fact that it is.

The problem sometimes when you have gay friends is that they tend to look at how you are successful in life by how less creases you have on the face. All along I thought that it was about the money, but they are making things complicated than it should be. I'm only 27 years old but people mistake me to be much older than that. I rarely care about it, though. It kinda gets annoying when people have to tell it to you right smack in the face.

See, my straight friends rarely say anything about how I look. They base they're amazement on how much wealth I have accumulated to be exact. But when you have gay friends, the line between masculinity and femininity all comes together in a mesh so disorienting I experience vertigo.

Straight men will never look at another straight guy's appearance. They tend to look at what car he is driving and what kind of cellphone he has. For the female species, they tend to look at one's same gender on physical attributes. So put them all together, you get the gay crowd.

I remember one of the heads of departments of where I work asked for a body shop's marigold goat's milk facial soap as a wish list for their exchange gift. Ooh, I thought that is soo gay. Heck, I'm not complaining. That's what he wants to do with his life. Use the goat on your face for all I care. A friend of mine brags that he uses a max factor press powder to rid him off blemishes. I noticed a co-worker of mine attending work with blush-on covering the perimeter of his eyes giving people the illusion that he has fair skin-- that was until I noticed it and told him whether he was using make-up. He denied it but he admittedly says that he did put something on his face.

I have nothing against it. If you want to look nice, youthful, by all means do so. But I want none of em. I'm gay, yes, but to put on make-up for everyday use is above and beyond me. Too ridiculous though, if you ask me.

Going back. That's the thing with my gay friends. They look at you as a hopeless case if in case they caught you in your worst and in your most natural appearance. Then again, I'm not asking them to change it. The whole plethora of subjectivity comes into play. Their plight for supreme beauty comes from being young again while I see it as adding matter where it really matters.

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The Nicest Thing

I made a blog yesterday how I flirt to people like me. In fact, I almost spill everything out if not only I was interrupted by biological means.

In my not so distant past, I met someone who I felt love and something I was not even aware I was capable of doing and feeling. Whatever it was, I know that when it happens it happens and there is little I can do about it but to feel for it. I don't know exactly how to put it in digital format, but the least I can do to save my utter blabbing to blab about it--no holds bar.

You see, we started out okay. I met him at a bar, well, before that he sent me a message in Friendster telling me that like him, he too was from our province. You know how things started and how things blossoms between two people and how it just happens to find their way into each one's awareness.

The gist of the entire love hopefully was that it was not a happy-ever-after. It was more like stop in the name of what you call love. He was driving me insane! I couldn't relate to whatever he wanted to do with his life.

He's a singer and almost famous from where we are. I understand how discreet he wishes to be but what he was doing was far out the worst I have ever seen. I wish at times I could just shout at him face to face dictating how I feel about it and that he is so confusing! He gives out mixed signals and I could only interpret only one of 'em. He will not talk to me for months and if he does, he will send out sweet nothings as if he has been there always. I'm grew sick of it until one day, no matter how much I tried to hold back my anger, I blew the whistle already.

You know, I like you a lot. I did everything just so you know that I mean it. I never asked you to reciprocate. I only want to know what are you planning. What do you really want? Do you really like me or are you just using me to fill that emptiness you keep on blabbing about? You give me mixed signals that you do, but then again on one end, you're saying that you don't. Where in the world do you want me to be at? All I am asking is for you to tell me if you like me too and I will move mountains for you.

Then you have to say the meanest thing ever, that you came to me because you were lonely. I was hoping you'd say I came to you because I like you. It would have been the best thing you could ever say, but you shove me off just like that. I tried to muffle the feelings but it was too painful for me to realize that I was used and was not loved in anyway. I feel like a trophy in your cabinet, only there to make you look back on the accomplishment you have made by getting through me. That was a very harsh thing to do for someone who loves you a lot. If you really don't like me, it was as simple as saying so, but you ignorant bastard took it on a not so benign way!

At least the good thing about it is that I'm fairly smart and I have seen right through you. The only foolish thing for me to do was to wait for you-- and to grow tired doing it. It was also a good thing that I see the best in everything. I just gave myself a tap on the shoulder, congratulating myself for not being foolish enough to live by your game.

But above all these rants, thank you for letting me feel that I can love again.

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The Whole Gay Flirting

For the record, I'm good-looking. Not really a celebrity type, macho man, but I'm good enough to win a beauty contest. Is that an oxymoron, Sam? Whatever.

The thing about gay dating is that you don't have any idea what your position will be. I am not sure if I said it right. Sometimes, I find it hard to bend the rules a little or at least to make things work for me. Here is my typical dating routine:

Being the not-so open gay, I look for people I find attractive (That's the more political correct sense) in the internet. Where else should I look for? If there were any ways of flirting to guys I like in the most discreet possible way, I would have done that eons ago! And if you know one, please do tell me! But since, I'm not open so I'd have to stick around with this method.

I'm always in the look out on some gay social networking site, especially to sites that shows who viewed me. That is one way of getting the idea that someone likes you, although there is also a BIG chance of them just accidentally viewing me or viewed me but really didn't like me because well, they didn't like what they read on my profile. Tough luck! But that is one way of me getting to flirt to any guys online. But the thing with me that I should get out of is to send a message across that I like the person. I'm the type of guy who wants people, who finds me attractive, to tell him that he's interested and leaving him to decide if he likes him or not. I really hope you get that. I know this is called pride and I have to stop thinking I'm god's gift to gay-kind, but I'm just being as honest as everyone else tries to.

Chatting is one way I flirt online. Really now, I am not an excuse for the whole "Hey-dude-I'm-not-gay-but-I-like-you" scenario. Whatever that means. Almost every gay and lesbians divert in this covert way of finding true love. This seamless invention lead me to a lot of gay adventures and I'm hesitant to say that I'm grateful for it.

Finding people who is just like me, gay but not gay-er is tough. Tougher if you're not internet savvy. I'm happy that I was born in the age of internet. When older gay friends tell me of what they do before in getting hook-ups, it never fails me to jaw-drop on how they manage to do it. I mean to say, going to cinemas, talking over party phones, sending personal ads in the newspaper. The thought of it makes me feel very uncomfortable but if I was born in the same time, I think I will be very tactical about it.

Speaking of which, I also find it quite daring to try and find hook-ups on gyms and health club facilities. Ah, gay heaven, I always thought. There are people who tried to hook-up with me there, by showing off parts of their genitals and stuff I'd want to share but I'm afraid of getting flagged due to "inappropriate contents" which I find a turn-off. Some guys there would stare at me, hoping to make eye contact and searching for any clues that I'm interested, I don't know, I guess by smiling at them or showing parts of my body I find inappropriate of showing. This I haven't done yet. I'm very choosy, you know. It is also a problem, with the ego-thing, that if in case I find someone I like, I show him how uninterested I am at some point. To be honest, I have this wicked mental program that says, "Hey, ALOT of people find me very attractive. If I find you attractive, then that makes you more attractive that I am." I really have to reprogram that if I am on the mission of finding love in the queerest places possible but for now, my honesty to myself is helping me out, so no worries there.

Minus everything aside, there is one thing that I am slowly turning my eyes into. Parties! I'm a very homey dude who just like to chill out at home, digging on sandwiches and watching movies online or some video clips on you tube or just surfing for porn. Heck, while writing that, I feel such a total nerd. I have been invited to attend parties organized by guys who loves to have sex with guys too ONLY. From where I came from, we call them People Like Us or PLU. It gives us the thought of isolation from the whole gay crowd you see. It may sound discriminatory, but it's more preferential if you ask me. Of course, we don't want to be associated with guys who like to get it on with guys too, wear make-up and act like a girl. That will be, uhm, way too gay. No offense, but we don't want to blow our cover, see? I love this kind of party because you just hear light music, no bands there and stuff. It is geared towards casual conversations and drinking some of the finest wines my friends will bring along. (I'm such a wine sucker!) It feels like just at home, well, with friends and some 'invites' too. I was hoping for such a long time for them to find me someone whom I can focus my energies on... but they thought I was way too busy serving people looking for temporary shelter.

My Personal Verbal Diarrhea

Ok, I will go straight to the point. I made this blog just to give me a fresh air. You see, I'm not straight and I don't think I am going to admit it to everybody. This is the primer of the things I will write in this blog. Everything about me being gay and how it is like to be somewhere in the middle. Yes, I am gay. I love to have sex with guys and that's all. I don't put make up. I am not a screaming gay. I'm still a dude who just loves doing it with guys. Something like that.

I love to write almost about anything. I think what I'm doing is the purest sense of just getting the thoughts out of me whether it makes sense or now. (Just a reminder to myself, I will never edit or change anything that I will write. Though I am still free of editing it, though.)

What will I be talking about now? I'm admittedly still excited on just letting things out and telling the whole world how it feels to be in my shoes not to the extent of being gay though, just being a person.

Today, I was talking to a colleague of mine who I will name, "Sam". Remember that I will name people based on the things, or people that reminds me of being annoyed. So Sam it is! We were discussing something about gay marriages and he asked me if I agree to it. The question was pulled out because we were watching Yahoo video of Ms. California 2009 answering a famous morally intriguing question.

I told him that I am for gay marriages, not because I want to get married too gay-style, but because I feel for a lot of gay people who promotes it. I understand that what they're after is conjugation and that they would also wanted to extend some privileges that the "normal" married couples are enjoying like filing for conjugal properties, tax reductions and stuff, because it's every person's right to have these things according to civil rights. But there is more to that, for sure, I'm just a little lazy to do my research. Just pulling it out off my head.

I also told him that we, (Yes, he knows.) gay people, I mean, most of us, never chose to be like this. It is just something that is innate, something that we are. The whole constitution can not tell us differently. We still would like to get married too and have adopted kids. We want to be parents too but just couldn't because we don't want to have sex with the opposite gender. If we can, or if most of us can, then yeah, we could just copulate, but the basic human factor is being neglected and that is love.

How I wish I could turn the tide and make myself straight, then I'd live at least married. But the point is, I can't. I don't want to have sex with any women. You can't tell me otherwise because this is what makes me happy. This is who I am and this is how I express love to myself. None can ever change it.

So you "morally-upright" people out there, I never wanted you to accept me for who I am, because it is given. I will not ask people around and thank them for letting me know that it's okay, because I know it is okay. My concept of morality is simple: As long as it does not impede anyone in doing their normal activities, then it's cool. (You know, I should start my own religion!) So, tell me if being gay is something that stops people from working? Or is it something that kills you in the literal sense of the word. Then, by all means, if it does, then persecute me.

I'm out.