Dear Sam Milby, you jerk.

So as to clear my name: I DON'T LIKE YOU, SAM MILBY.

This is not a matter of 'the-more-you-hate-the-more-you-love' kinda thing. It's just pure rage and I can tell, being the only honest guy around in this blog.

So what gives about that stupid publicity stunt you did way back Pinoy Big Brother? Coming in the house to woo people to like you then leave because of a job well done?! Getting your guitar and singing a fake love-song to a lady, you blasted hypocrite! This was a publicity stunt whoever concocted for you clearly didn't know the meaning of 'discreet'. Not that I have any doubts you don't know the hell about the meaning of that word, you might have confused it with your sexuality for all I effing care.

And since I am at it, I would like to shoot the person who said that you can sing. I hated all your revival songs. I hope these songs could stab you too! It was torture I tell you when I hear your dumb-founded revival song inside a passenger FX.

I have to hand it to you, though. You don't know how to act and you don't know how to sing. You aren't even very good looking to pass that sort of gig. But there you are, in billboards, in commercials, smiling your fake, idiotic smile. Congratulations, buddy. I'd like to apologize for people for misjudging you as this great personality.

And don't give me that eye, Tim Yap. You're so next!

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What To Say To A Straight Friend

My friend has been out of the circle for 4 years. Now that he is back, there are a lot of things that we should cover for and part of it is my sexuality.

It was one fateful night in an event center in my province, when my then partner "out-ed" me to all my friends who were merrily singing at that time, this straight guy included. It was almost torture at first and I have no recollection whatsoever how I got out of it alive, but then again, I was thankful to my friend, who though his, I don't know, insanity(?), brought all my best buds together. We became "really" best friends.

But this straight friend had a little different situation then. You see, when my ex was about to declare with all courage that I was his boyfriend, that damn bloke went to the restroom and missed all of it! It was only when we were chatting over Facebook that he found out that I was gay and what exactly happened in that place. It was hilarious! It was either my friend clearly was still oriented to the fact that I like girls or he's just stupid.

It was not really as dramatic as I was expecting. Well, because I was expecting that he knows it. If I have any inkling that he didn't know, would I be courageous enough to tell him about it? Would I be casual about it or should I go for the more formal attack, to tell him personally and not just though any medium.

That 'hard' part is over. Now, what I forgot to tell him is not to tell everyone my sexual orientation. He almost said something to one of my friends who didn't know or he might have but she's just not telling me. I was really getting to the point that my friend is indeed, really, absolutely, definitely stupid for generalizing that all people know about it. It's my fault that this almost happened and I can't get over the fact that I was the stupid guy in the first place for not even thinking that he has this tendency of being an idiot.

Oh yes, Sam Milby, you are NOT an exemption!


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It's the Lover not the Love

I was heart-broken and it was before Christmas time.

...

Okay, the drama king in me just went hay-wire for a minute there. No matter how much I try I still kinda have hopes of being together, but I know it was a little too good to be true. In this event, I know somehow, deep within the head of my penis, there is a small brain that tells me that it just might not work the second time around.

And so, I guess I have to go on and find me another pasture a little greener.

I have narrated in my previous blog that I kinda find someone attractive and that I may find myself lucky enough being with this wonderful person someday. Let me again reiterate that the guy has a girl in his life. It somehow seems so insensitive of me but hey, the "I" in me is showing its face again. I told this to a friend who told me to stop being a fool for once and leave the guy alone.

I just won't. Not that I can't but I certainly won't.

Stupid as it may sound, I know deep within me, I am falling for this guy. And as much as I would like to keep him certain complexities are playing in the field too. Let's forget about the guy and focus on myself. I will be leaving for the states in a couple of days now and we won't be together anymore. Not that we have been together though. It just all seems pointless now that I am getting into another heart-break in the making.

What I was after while reliving my past is that I miss being in love... and the misery it has brought me. It is part of the greater whole that I was looking forward too. It did not make me fear it, it actually made me appreciate how wonderful it feels and all I am banking on it the pleasure that I will receive through loving. And if in case it leads me back to where I was before, then so be it.

Bottom line is, I just miss that feeling that confirmed that I am human.

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Social Networking, Facebook and the Likes

It is by far the most convenient way for us, guys like me, to find another being who are more into us saving us from the disgrace of having people know what we really are. It has been going on since the dawn of chat-rooms where every guy like me rampages. Enough said.

So this thing I always call nonchalantly as "my" social networking site have been a cause of my deep-seeded insight. But the first question now before I spill the beans is how I fair in these sites.

As I have written this, I'm sure I might have posted this blog to one of my social sites and I am pretty sure whoever finds this blog must find me at least somehow, attractive. And given that not-so-obvious fact, they will, most often than not, send me a message either to tell me to post 'real' pictures of me or if I want to have sex with them, or the more wholesome crowd will ask me for a date. Sweet. As a friend of mine said before, all he was after in these sites is to see how well people's pick-up lines have developed. But I was on to something different.

You see, I act really masculine and it kinda wards off guys of actually talking to me in person. In that sense also, they find me stuck-up because I seldom smile. My question in that regards would be 'Why would I have to smile all the time? To risk being seen as mentally challenged?" You decide.

So what happens if I get a message from a prospective member? Simple. There are times that when I like what I see (both in pictures and in words), then I would reply. However, almost at least 80% of all the messages I received, I didn't reply. I know it was kinda stupid for me to do that, but I was just being me and at least I'm doing something not to give out false assurance to people who in the long run I know I wouldn't like. And yes, I know it is egoistic for someone like me to say something like this, but let me tell you too that if in the event I get rejected, it's all good to me.

But what I only see in this site is only superficial and I too am aware that not a lot of people register well in camera. What actually worries me right now is that notion that I might be missing that chance of actually meeting the person I was born to be with because I was just too superficial. Saving myself from ambiguity, I am still hopeful that someday, somehow, I will fall back into loving again. (Oh, now I thought of something straight people may actually relate to.)

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PLAN B

As I remarked a blog ago, I resented the fact that I fell for a straight-bi curious whatever you call it guy because it was darn too, I don't know, impossible.

Well, my ex-partner got into a relationship with somewhat with the same type of guy and they were able to come out of it. Well, the guy was young and have not actually been really sure of himself until he finds my ex. So I guess it was almost the same.

So what's new, you ask? I'm AGAIN in the same situation as I was before. Meeting a new guy who has a girlfriend currently. What's up with this month?! I'm starting to hate how the planets are aligning against my ruling planet. It's just insane. I just wish for this month to be over so I can move elsewhere!

Alright, now that I am at it, I have to think of my own personal game plan about this whole damn thing. I have to be really specific in pointing out clearly the PROs and CONS of this scenario and hopefully come out of it unscratched even though I may lose or win.

I'm betting my heart on it.

THE SCENARIO

I have been stalking a guy on Manjam. He's cute. He's cool. He found me stalking him and eventually tried to stalk me at least for some time until finding out that I was a B. Then all hell broke loose! We started chatting over the phone and we instantly clicked! And now the fun part. Although I haven't met the guy I was kinda feeling attached to him. And from what he is saying (NB: I didn't rationalize it or did I interpreted anything), he likes me too. As I am writing this, we HAVEN'T met. Then one fateful day of paranoia, I asked him if there is anything I need to know and he says that he has a girlfriend. My impulse dictates that I shouldn't get close with the guy because well, it was bound to fail anyway so why invest on the guy I can tell won't prosper to any level.


Given the scenario, I plan of keeping it real with the guy. All I have to do is to be man. Just keep it cool with him and try to avoid unnecessary dramas (Which I almost did, thank god). Apart from that I think I should try and let him set the date of our meeting. Since he was the one making the first move and since he said that he will keep a promise, then it's really up to him. I will leave everything to him but still try to make it a point that I'm always there for him. I need to be this detached bastard again and try to be an almost clingy partner which I am not.. a partner. Hahahah!

Then when I have him in my palms, I will keep him there. :) And I will make every efforts to make him stay there and be mine all together. I'll just keep it really really smooth. He'll never know what will hit him. Play it cool.

I seem to like this guy a lot. It's really too obvious I can tell. Well, looking back, it isn't much of a schematic plan than I hoped for but that will do for now. If in case I find a new way, then let's bring it owwwnn!


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The Same Old Bull.

For the past few months, I have been serious in keeping a relationship. And yes, you are right. With a guy. Over and about it as some Capricorn will put it, I have tried and break all barriers that makes me the serious, un-adventurous, stable bloke that I thought I was. And then finally, someone broke me open. I suddenly became uninhibited and free to express my feeling and be vulnerable about it. Less fortunate however is that the guy suddenly fall out of it because he was living this straight guy image.

That's the thing when you kinda fall for someone who isn't totally with the mess you're in. It's not something that is very reparable so to speak, it's just not worth taking anymore, I think.

Currently, I am resisting the impulse of getting the idea of stop writing but I have to at least vent it out somehow without the hopes of people finding this blog. I have kept it secret and I will keep it secret until such time that I get re-acquianted with myself. And here I go.

With this scenario in mind, especially from where I was coming from, not a lot of people will find it very romantic. How can someone justify the fact that this straight guy suddenly turned gay? He has been tagged by all his friends as being a chick-magnet and here he is being attracted to a gay guy. It really doesn't make sense, for a lot of people.

My take about bisexuality is open. A lot of people retorted that bisexuality is something that transcends to a much more inhibitive states: that bisexuals are people who wants to do it with both sexes but is more inclined with the same sex. I think that it is true but it is still vague. Bisexuality is just that. That person enjoys doing it with both sexes. My problem is, being the attached, all-to-relationship kind of guy, when they are given the option of choosing which one to sustain romantically. This has been a perennial problem for me. I know these bisexuals who have found their way to my heart is somehow being nagged about the stigma the whole world has given to gay relationships. Most of them preferred to have me, mind you. But because of this stupid man world universe we are living, I'm stooped to fighting over a dead battle, eventually finding out that I'm some else's deepest darkest secret. That stupid line keeps on bugging me: "Yeah, I love you, but I love my life more and I am not willing to risk everything I did to build my image when people finds out that I love a guy," schtick.

Not that I'm saying that these guys should open to the entire planet and brag about being the new gay in town. I don't want that to happen and I am not willing to do that either. I just want these guys to know that if they find themselves being in this situation, it's just the same as with any other relationship with the opposite gender. We will need you. We will look for you. We will find ways to be with you. And we will expect the same things from you. This gay relationship is not entirely different from a straight relationship only that the earlier is tabooed and kept secret.

I'm soooo out of here.

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