In one of my paper journals, I have written about my "undying" love for someone whom I have never had. This special someone has an inkling of being in show business because he was a very talented singer which I have been very keen of. I guess, it goes to show that when you really like a person, no matter what they do, it's all magical to you.
One night, we did it. And I tell you with complete honesty that even if it was the lamest sex I had, it was the best. I was granted one of my millions of wishes. Thus, I was happy. I could have been even happier if he was happy too. Turns out, as one of his text messages, he was very sorry it has happened. I was hurt, but I tried my best not to let it affect me in any way possible. I know the guy was very devastated then and all I was thinking of was myself. This whole new meaning of selfishness for me has already taken it's toll. Then I realized, it wasn't meant to be.
Few months ago, I received a message from him. I guess it was sometime May 2009. He was asking how I was. I replied that I was doing well and I asked him the same question as well. He said that he still misses me. Truth is, I was happy of finally receiving something from him... whatever it was. But I am not that nearly thrilled about it. I felt that I was being put up on a game I didn't know how to play. It made me furious by the fact that he was making me feel very confused. I feel I was being manipulated because I was vulnerable to him. This is an improper programming I have developed when I was a kid. I have always thought that when people know what you feel, then they have all the rights to control it and bend it to their advantage. It was long before I realized that this is completely and utterly false thus I am trying to break this wall I have built for myself for me to find more happiness. Before I realized this, I have him.
He finally said that he allowed "it" to happen because he like me too. Now, tell me. Am I wrong in feeling confused now? For someone to keep me in the dark on all the things that were happening to him, of his woes, his pain, his depression, he has all the nerves to tell this to me! I was hysterical then! I know I said nasty things to him, but all because I cared for him too much of nothing making me know what's going on. Finally, after all the drama, I have had to drop the line to him: "The nicest thing you could ever do to me is to leave me alone."
After many months of not wanting to see him, after all those painful moments I have to endure whenever I see him on TV, after all the things I did and the things I have thought of just to be near him, all shattered. I was left impoverished. I tried my best to not let it out on things that makes me me. And after months of self-cruelty, I finally found myself and moved on.
I have always wanted to know whatever happened to him. At least, I just want to know whether he is okay or he is still the confused bastard I have met and hated at least. Turns out, he sent me a message through Facebook. I wasn't really touched by what he said because there is nothing melodramatic about it. He was just being sincere in giving out his apology. Whatever it was, I said, is all in the past now. I am happier now than I was before and I know it is alright to be friends again.
Now that he is back, people who knows about him wonders if I still harbor the same feelings I had with him. It is hard to say that I don't. I met him two days ago in one of the bars he was singing for. He went to where we were and I saw him. He has changed a lot though but he is still very clean, neat and handsome. The picture of him that night is still with me, burned in memory forever. Suddenly, I felt conscious of the way I was acting and I still am behaving the same exact way I was behaving whenever I see him. I guess some things never change after all. No matter how much I deny it, I still acknowledge the little fact that there is a place somewhere in my heart for him. Despite the misunderstandings, the hatred I had against him, the apologies, the putting me in the dark, the confusion, the rejection, I suddenly realized that I was still keeping my love for him protected against these.
All I have to do now is to channel this love I am nursing for him to someone else who deserves it better than him.
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